I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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