Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
