My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Sorry my hands just texted you
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The ass gains better be worth it
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