You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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