Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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