totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
