I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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