i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
