So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
