i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
