i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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