i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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