I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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