Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize