sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
