So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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