just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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