I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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