you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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