I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
