While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
