Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
