I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
