My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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