sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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