Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
