I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
