Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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