Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
