I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
