My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
