You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
