She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I need to sanitize my soul.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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