my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize