My first STD was from a foam party
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
