omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
