so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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