I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
