bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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