and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
