New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
