I wish I could punch you in the face.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
