we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
