I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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