she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
