fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I deserve this hangover.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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