Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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