I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
