Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
