Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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