There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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