then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
