the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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