awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
