i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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