I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
