You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
