he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
