I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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